Happy Birthday To Me. Yay.
Sorry, if you were expecting positivity and gratitude today, you’ve definitely landed on the wrong URL. Then again, if you’re a regular reader you’d probably have known that already.
I mean, if you remember my musings from last year, two years ago and three years ago I wasn’t exactly brimming with upbeat thoughts. And even the one from four years ago was tinged with a heavy dose of trepidation and bitterness. Update: That Person would still prefer that I hadn’t made it to today, and that was the last time I saw FBP in the flesh.
At least she makes it a habit to at least text, if not call, me just about every day, which is why I now reference her as my Bestie. But as far as physical contact, she’s lamentably no more real than the redundant images of the same semi-attractive young Asian woman who seems to randomly text me on Telegram and What’s App claiming she’s using her work phone–funny how by my count that same woman is tied to at least eleven different cases of mistaken identity this summer alone. When those are the only such communications besides my Bestie that I even get for the larger part of the other 364 days of he year you’ll hopefully have the capacity to forgive what you may feel is unjustified bitterness.
Please know I don’t blame any one but myself for the predicament I find myself in. I alone made the unwise choices that leave me farther away from the life I once had that was wasted with a partner who hoarded me on birthdays where some of you once might have chosen to make yourselves available. I spend those birthdays exclusively with her and occasionally with her pathetic friend who was an omnipresence in our lives because his life choices left him ottherwise hopelessly alone and ignored. I used to be much harsher on this person that I am now, because now I know exactly how he felt and I’m still more empathic than I otherwise should be.
I get that so many of you who are wishing me the best “trip around the sun” and a great day are genuinely sincere with those thoughts. Most of you are far aaway geographically and indeed have families and friends available to you locally that are your justified priorities. I’d to think it was possible that at least a fraction of you that are doing so might find a reason to express some other thought on some other day other than lambasting me for why I’m not determined to amplify and pray about the imminent demise of the fat fuck in charge of us all who apparently now left a chunk of his actual cabinet potentially vulernable to a terrorist attack and chose to take along a glorified assistant who apparently spends a great deal of her evenings and early mornings in his company generating those ridiculous AI images and fully servicing him by “truthing” them out with one hand and doing who knows what with her other. I’m honestly sick of anyone who remains that focused on someone they cannot control and persistently refuse to even try and find a reasonable alternative for their energy. Hey, at least he has a companion who’s local to share his birthday–and other days–with.
There are indeed a handful of exceptions to this bottom line sadness that I am feeling with special finality today. You know you whom you are. And no, it’s not just because of the occasional though desperately needed support you throw me, either. Fact is, you actually accompany those transactions with an outreach of concern that’s not fully triggered by a reminder on your Facebook calendars. For you rare and treasured souls, I am indeed thankful for your presence in my life.
To you others–At the risk of disingratiating myself even more so than my past frustrated laments have, you’ll perhaps find it somewhere in your hearts to allow me to not respond with more than a thumbs up emoji. Some of you might even choose to justifiably snap back and remind me that you’re dealing with way more loss, health and dire financial issues than I am. I’m fully aware of those and I regret the fact that I cannot help you even more than the reality that you can’t help me. But until you’ve walked a few steps in my shoes, you may not be quite aware of exactly how empty and worthless I feel waking up to the world I find myself in today.
For those that may actually be concerned but otherwise too busy to follow the lead of those exceptions I’ll share with you the responses I typically give to the person on the other end who I far too often wind up talking to when you can’t find the time to pick up a phone: On a scale of one to five, my ideation is a five but my intent is a one, because I’m a coward. No, I don’t have immediate access to a gun. As far as a “plan”, since I don’t know what coast the person I know would gladly kill me who does have such access happens to be on and gas is too freaking expensive I’m in no position to try and carry that out without the assurance thay would succeed.
Oh, incidentally, the last person who actually surprised me with a physical birthday card–let alone some balloons and this hand-crafted gift–was indeed That Person. You wanna know why I still miss her friendship? Take a gander:
That team and that “relationship” have both seen far better days.
I sure hope you have a better day than I will. Maybe at some point I’ll feel a tad less despondent and act far less petty and bitter. Not today, gang. Not even a chance.
Until next time…