Like millions of other otherwise normal men of a certain age, I’ve dreamed about Valerie Bertinelli for decades. No, I’ve never met her, though we clearly have a number of things in common. We’re mere months apart in age. We both were fortunate enough to work with (and, in her case, for) Norman Lear. We both worked for Game Show Network–though I’m not sure that it was as significant an experience for her as it was for me. We both apparently love cats–much like my bestie, apparently more than a few at a time. We’re even both twice divorced. 
I also know plenty of folks who worked closely with her at Sony and TV Land and to a person every single one has absolutely nothing but wonderful things to say about her. And sorry not sorry, you know my weakness for Italian-American brunette actresses, and ever since she went through puberty in plain sight before 20 million-plus viewers weekly, she’s arguably been on the top of my list of hall passes.
All that said, she’s experienced a hell of a lot more than I ever did, both good and bad, which is probably why she’s just authored her seventh book while I still can’t even get a bite on a compliation of these musings from anyone. And considering that the essence of the one she released yesterday, GETTING NAKED: THE QUIET WORK OF BECOMING PERFECTLY IMPERFECT, is heavily derived from journal entries, essays and even Chat GPT conversations she’s compiled over the years, I’m all the more aware of that reality. Which is why I won’t allow my mind to even drift momentarily into the lane that somehow I need to find a way to get set up with her. I refuse to sink to the level of George Costanza with Marisa Tomei, tempting though it may be.
Besides, as she reinforces in the book, at least for now she’s not exactly on the market. As USA TODAY’s Melissa Ruggieri shared yesterday:
Right now, she says, “I’m not interested” in having a relationship. “I’m very, very, very gun-shy at the moment. Trust will take me a minute to develop. I fall hard and easily. So my whole thing is I’ve got to take my time and not buy into limerence and not buy into love-bombing. And if I end up alone with my cats and my dog, I’m also fine with that. You have to love yourself first and love your own company.” “I have a full life,” she says. “Do I want to be intimate with a man again? At the moment, no.”
What we also learn in the breezy volume that naturally I plowed right through in one session is the fact that she’s more than justified in feeling that way. For one, she’s clearly already experienced the love of her life, the wonderfully talented Ed (she clearly disdained calling him Eddie) Van Halen of the eponymous band who stole her heart at age 21 and produced who is clearly the number one man in her life right now, her son Wolfie, now fronting a band of his own and newly married. They did divorce years before his untimely passing at age 65 and Ruggieri further shares she’s done quite a bit of forensic self-inspection about it:
Bertinelli has spoken frequently and openly about dating, but she also has never wavered from declaring her endless love for Van Halen, who died of cancer in 2020 with Bertinelli among the beloved by his bedside. She writes in the book about how “in our own way, we never did let go” and says their deep love will be difficult to match. Had we not had other things going on, we might have still been married. But Ed was going through his own struggles and traumas he was dealing with,” she says now. “I’m so glad we came to a spot where we were good, dear friends. I cared immensely about him. I still love him to this day. But when I say that, people are like, what? It’s because I love the human being. I love his soul. He was a good, good man that was struggling with trauma. When Ed was sober, there was nobody like him.”
Whatever hard feelings she may still have are clearly reserved for her second spouse, a financial planner named Tom Vitale who–lucky bastard–arose from obscurity and snatched her up in 2011 in what at the time was publicly celebrated as part of a renaissance for Bertinelli, who was also getting rave reviews and respectable-for-cable ratings with HOT IN CLEVELAND. But as US’ yenta Shelby Stivale authored, that storybook ending was apparently a mirage:
Bertinelli wrote that she hosted “several” seasons of Valerie’s Home Cooking on Food Network — which lasted from 2015 to 2023 — while her marriage to Vitale was “falling apart.” While “no one knew” at the time, she can tell when watching episodes back. “I can watch and see when chopping onions wasn’t the only reason I had tears in my eyes,” she wrote. “I couldn’t crack the code of lasting love. Romance has never been easy for me, never even sane,” Bertinelli, 65, revealed in the book, published on Tuesday, March 10. “It’s a messy math equation — love, marriage, divorce — and I’m terrible at math. Worse at marriage.”
She tellingly doesn’t use Vitale’s name anywhere in the book, only referencing him as my “ex” or my “former husband”, meticulously avoiding even a hint of a mention of something positive about her decade with him. You’ll notice I’ve never referred to either of my exes by name in any of these now more than 1500 musings, and not just because that was under advise of counsel. Bluntly, anyone who can leave someone like Bertinelli feeling that way is dogsh-t in my book. She also confesses that she “wrote him a big check”. Welcome to my world, Val; I’m dreadfully sorry we have that in common, too.
But don’t feel we need to feel all that sorry for her, either. She’s indeed keeping quite busy; as Ruggieri reminds:
Along with her new book, Bertinelli’s latest ventures – a Lifetime movie with Eric McCormack (“Love, Again,” out in May) and her online hub Valerie’s Place (cooking, podcast, book club) – make it clear she still has plenty to say.
And she’s apparently saying a lot of it as part of “Drew’s Crew” as a regular contributor to perhaps one of the few safe havens remaining in syndicated daytime television, THE DREW BARRYMORE SHOW. It’s flown under the political radar and through the magic of aggregated Nielsen ratings been fiscally responsible enough to avoid all of the behind-the-scenes chaos at CBS Media Ventures and Paramount to have been given a two-season renewal through 2028 which was officially announced yesterday. I’ve already confessed that I harbor more than a little bit of warm fuzzies for Barrymore both as a strategist and as a woman. It’s both reassuring and unsurprising that Bertinelli’s found a supportive kindred spirit and an old school megaphone with her. Birds of a feather, you know.
I’ll hope against hope that somehow somewhere I’ll finally get the chance to connect with Bertinelli, if only to offer her thanks for her honesty and transparency in this book. At some point I’ll probably even bite the bullet and catch up with her six previous books which I confess I’ve yet to read. I absolutely promise to behave if that happens. As is the case with other Italian-American actresses, the real reward is ultimately from the emotional connection.
Until next time…
You can purchase GETTING NAKED: