MEMO TO: HIS HOLINESS POPE LEO XIV
FR: STEVE LEBLANG, MEDIA CONSULTANT/NERVOUS JEW
RE: ONE OF A FEW MILLION REQUESTS FOR HELP
Your Holiness,
Years ago you served the city of Chicago as a respected Cardinal during a trying era–after all, your tenure began after Michael Jordan played his last game for the Bulls. Now, this American begs you to help us against our struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my request to you in person, but travel to to the Vatican is still beyond my budget. Our country has fallen under attack, and fear any mission to return with you to a somewhat more normal time has failed. I have digested information on how those desiring such normalcy into my memory banks; people with more access and credibility to them will know how to retrieve it. You must see me to be able to safely deliver it to them–heck, even a trip to the East Coast would be an answer to at least one of my prayers. This is our most desperate hour…You must help me, Your Holiness, you are my only hope.
Well, scrap that idea. Maybe it worked for her, and maybe she was a lot more entitled to make such a self-centered request than I am. I do realize that you’ve got a lot more pressing matters on your plate right now.
But I will nonetheless urge you to try and provide some of your more impassionated believers who and what are actually the ones who are wearing the robes and mitres and perhaps reveal those are perverting the words and guidance of the Lord to be the heathens and hypocrites that they are.
I literally get sick to my stomach when I am overwhelmed by social media posts, nightly commentaries and pleas for donations from folks who literally are on the verge of their own breakdowns when they rattle off whatever perceived improprieties and insubordinate acts those currently in charge may be committing. They literally will argue with the intensity of dozens that we must take to the streets in protest and not stay silent amidst this chaotic regime that is barely over the ten percent mark in their legally elected term. Among them apparently is the guy who is currently running your old state, as THE HILL’s Sarah Fortinsky recently chronicled:
Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker (D) on Sunday called for mass protests against the Trump administration and blasted “do-nothing Democrats” who have failed to mount a stronger opposition to the Republicans in control of the federal government.
“Never before in my life have I called for mass protests, for mobilization, for disruption. But I am now,” Pritzker said in his keynote address at the New Hampshire Democratic Party’s McIntyre-Shaheen 100 Club Dinner. “These Republicans cannot know a moment of peace,” he continued. “They have to understand that we will fight their cruelty with every megaphone and microphone that we have.” “We must castigate them on the soapbox and then punish them at the ballot box,” he added.
But what Mr. Pritzker and those who share his views that yelling and screaming will matter are having difficulty grasping is that those they want to impact are playing earmuffs and hiding behind a deluded and misguided belief that this is their gift from G-d–their “Isaiah 45”, as they posit, and they’re anything but thrilled that you got the gig.
David McAfee shared on this morning’s RAW STORY newsletter the views of one observer who spelled out some of their concerns:
Rick Wilson, a consistent thorn in the side of Donald Trump, wrote leading up to the weekend that “MAGA hates the woke pope.” “And by ‘woke,’ I mean a Bergolian cardinal influenced by Pope Francis whose opening remarks were full of a rich warmth, and an overt emphasis on mercy, humility, justice, and a more pastoral message that was almost universally well received, even by Donald Trump and J.D. Vance,” he clarified. The “rest of MAGA,” Wilson added, “is very, very angry.” “Pope Leo — lately Cardinal Robert Prevost — was one of the types of cardinals in the crosshairs of a MAGA opposition research and smear campaign to disqualify moderate and progressive cardinals for the Papacy.
And they’re egged on by the likes of Lance Wallnau, whose “emergency rant” podcast yesterday marked a new low in ass-kissing even for him. He referenced Trump and Vance as “beloved” and urged his minions to at best view you through jaundiced eyes. They continue to take Biblical passages out of context to reference “mountains” which they feverishly believe Christians should take command of at all costs lest End Times Jesus see us a “sheep nation”, all the while through relentless commercials touting the education of such supposed “faith” through the huckstering of $477 “Level 10 Living” courses, $497 carb-laden three-month supplies of “My Patriot” emergency ration food and, so to balance it all out, deeply discounted offerings of pillows, slippers and coffee from that “wonderful Christian patriot” Mike Lindell.
Pritzker at least seems to check off some of the tickmarks needed to take on the likes of our current leader. He’s had actual experience running a state and he’s a billionaire who could stand to lose a few pounds. When I’m stupid enough to engage with those who chastise me as a “depressed old man” and I raise the question “who do you have in mind as an alternative?”, I’m astounded that Pritzker hasn’t been suggested. He does need some work on his style but his substance is at the very least intriguing.
You see, Your Eminence, both sides are kinda screwed up. And at the moment each seems to be determined enough to not give an inch, and the ones currently in power are particularly guilty of invading your turf and using your scepter as a light saber. And we all know how that story ends. I assume anyone attending Villanova in 1977 saw it in the theatres. You seem to have tentacles to both of those worlds. You’ve been willing to offer opinions and guidance before. It would seem to be a great opportunity now that your presence has been elevated to bestow us with them once more.
So since I can’t quite rock a slave costume as well as Leia, I’ll vow to be less flippant and focused and respectful. But I will borrow and reinforce her urgency.
Help us. You’re our only hope.
Until next time…