It’s the high holidays for me, which means the beginning of the Days of Awe and the annual ritual that for believers culminates in the Day of Atonement and the ultimate Verdict as to whether one gets inscribed in the Book of Life for another year. Judging by the reactions I am provoking almost everywhere of late, I’d contend a majority of folks I have daily contact with would rather see that Verdict be a “no”.
Not that many people are actively calling for my immediate demise. Those that were are at least for now in the rear view mirror–though I’ll fully concede there’s still lingering trauma from when they were not. It’s those that find fault with just about everything I do, relate or opine to that somehow doesn’t align with their personal comfort zone that I find even more discouraging and leaves me this morning in a state of utter despair.
Feel free to stop reading at this point because I’m well aware many of you are already sick of when I express these feelings. I’m acutely aware plenty are dealing with what they would argue are way more serious issues–health problems, financial despair, family crises, more recent job loss, etc. etc. I was once in a far better position to deal with those sorts of problems and actually offer real help to those dealing with it. It was rarely reciprocal in those days, by the way–even among those who were ostensibly sworn to doing so. But now I’m clearly incapable of helping anyone including myself, and it’s even clearer that practically no one else I know is, either. Which leaves those that can no longer merely throw money at problems all the more demanding of being fully aligned with their ideologies and levels of abilities to establish some sort of bond. And I’m just too freaking complicated for please any such demands of late.
Politically, that ship has sailed a long time ago. You’re probably aware that I have zero patience and tolerance for anything MAGA and especially Fat Orange Jesus and his incompetent band of kiss-ass morons that make up the inner circle of who runs ‘Merica. But I’m also damn sick of the other party’s continued inability to identify electable, qualified, appealing candidates due mostly to their own lack of stable leadership and hopelessly outdated strategic policies. I base these conclusions on my own personal experiences with the people directly connected with these players and those two degrees or less removed that share identical stories about theirs. To me, that’s a lot more meaningful than anything anecdotal or perceptual someone without such relative access feverishly and at times desperately believes is their calling to evangelize about. That leaves me as an outcast with both sides–mocked and derided both as a libtard and a cultish bootlicker. Both would be incorrect, but practically no one has either the bandwidth or desire to ponder the other side of the coin they land on.
Professionally, I’m damn proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish both historically and even now in a much more tedious and unrewarding career postscript. In both of those worlds any demonstration of competence is met with jealousy and/or derision. Those who never had the skills and/or passion to achieve what I once did mock my track record and those who do what I do now remind me exactly how far I have fallen. I am also demographically as disparate as possible from those I interact with on a daily basis and the microaggressions at times are staggering. I work in an enviroment that is heavily populated with non-English speakers and practically no one of my faith. And even that is complicated considering my own recent history with flirting with Jesus. Again, that leaves me despised by those who can’t believe I would ever entertain even the thought of another ideation of the Supreme Being and those who resent my lack of ability to speak their language. I am in the bafflingly ironic purgatory of interacting with random people on a daily basis yet wholly incapable of bonding with any of them.
And personally? At the risk of redundancy, my choice of my best friends is off-putting, to say the least, by otherwise high-minded individuals. The fact that the person closest to me emotionally is hundreds of miles and thousands of dollars away causes me nonstop pain and longing that is only met with mocking rejection by anyone who chooses to offer their viewpoint. Their suggestions for how to deal with it inevitably involves money that I simply do not have and as every day goes by where prices stay stagnant and inflated and where promises of potential side hustles and even sales commissions go unfulfilled the likelihood of ever digging out of as deep a hole as I now find myself in dims darker still.
That best friend opines that it’s because i’m simply not the “average Joe”. What exactly is average, anyway? According to BodyBenchmarks.com, here’s their definition:
Summary Table (Adults, 20+ years)
| Category | Average (Men) | Average (Women) |
|---|---|---|
| Height | 68.9″ (5′8.9″) | 63.5″ (5′3.5″) |
| Weight | 199.0 lbs | 171.8 lbs |
| Median Age | ~40–45 yrs | ~40–45 yrs |
| Median Household Income | ~$75,000 | ~$75,000 |
Do you know anyone who checks all of those boxes? I clearly don’t. And I honestly can’t think of anyone at all who does.
I’d like to think it’s because we all possess some qualities that some would see as overachieving in one form or another. When I attend High Holy Days services I’m one of the few truly single people in a community that’s heavily populated by families. Those that choose to connect do so only out of courtesy. Once again, it’s the microaggressions that are the most off-putting. Again, I’m demographically disparate with the aggregate. At best I’m a charity case; at worst I’m unwelcome. And don’t think it doesn’t extend to the rabbi and the more active members who are acutely aware I’m unable to donate even a penny to the congregation. The good news is that a congregation like this exists at all as an option for folks even close to being in my position–it’s especially rare among Jews. But from everything to who gets a seat at the seder table (there’s actually one for Rosh Hashonah, too) to who gets to participate in the service itself there is a caste system that serves as a constant reminder who the real Chosen People are in this world.
During this period you’re asked to pray for prosperity, health, forgiveness and peace. You’re invited to rebirth yourself and encouraged to do for others. I’m gonna do my damndest to live up to that challenge. But even as I write this life is yet again getting in the way of that. My phone needs immediate attention and since my ability to pay for anything lies on that device that gets top billing. I may not be able to show up in time for this morning’s service. I see that as my own failing.
So I’m gonna ask any of you who actually made it this far to find at least a minute to pray for me. I honestly don’t care what deity it comes from. And I honestly am indifferent if this plea is honored by anyone I actually have known. It’s painfully evident thost that have have long since lost their desire to even do that. I know what I want more than I ever have. I want to see my best friend and I want to stop pissing off so many people in so many different ways just because of who I am. I’ll settle for even one of those impossibilities.
Until next time…