C’mon. You Know You’ll Watch.

On days like this when I’m feeling especially despondent (honestly, I’m far too devastated from something that happened last night to even dogwhistle my way into some sort of explanation), I feel particularly aghast at what we consider to be newsworthy.

This was an actual update from Business Insider’s Ryan Hogg that dropped yesterday :

Speculation that Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg could actually get in a ring and fight each other just won’t go away. And now the Twitter owner has admitted the potential battle may actually take place.

Since Musk appeared to jokingly challenge the Meta CEO and amateur jiu-jitsu fighter to a cage fight last week, momentum has gathered pace. Zuck took the bait, telling Musk to send him a location for the bout, with a Meta representative telling The Verge that the CEO wasn’t joking.  Dana White, the CEO of UFC, said he spent an hour and a half talking on the phone to Musk and Zuckerberg following the comments, concluding they were both “dead serious” about fighting. 

Musk appeared Saturday on a Twitter Space hosted by Bloomberg reporter Ashlee Vance about the rise of commercial space – but the very first question was about the potential brawl with Zuck.  Speaking from what he said was a friend’s birthday party in Europe, Musk said: “Well I haven’t started training yet. If it does happen I will train.”  

Cage fights involve a number of martial arts, including Zuck’s favored jiu-jitsu, as well as kickboxing, Muay Thai, wrestling, and boxing. It’s unclear what approach Musk, who has a much larger frame than Zuck, would use in the octagon.

Zuck’s jiu-jitsu skills are well known and Vance said he “takes this stuff pretty seriously. This could go badly.”

Preposterous at this may sound, consider how desperate Musk is to find content of consequence to give his new CEO Linda Yaccarino to peddle.  And considering what will be airing on one of her former networks, TNT, later this week, which apparently is being quite well received and optimally scheduled on a slow sports night, there might just be an audience for it:

The Match 2023 is going to tee it up on Thursday, June 29, with coverage of the event beginning at 6:30 pm ET/3:30 pm PT. The exact time that the participants are going to tee off was not specified…(T)he four golfers for The Match 2023 are champions, and recent ones at that. The two teams are going to consist of two members each from the reigning Super Bowl and NBA champions: Travis Kelce and Patrick Mahomes of the Kansas City Chiefs and Steph Curry and Klay Thompson of the Golden State Warriors.

That’s right, what began as a pandemic-friendly event with enough social distancing that paired professional golfers with high-profile amateurs is now going to take place on a fan-friendly course at Wynn Las Vegas with nary a pro golfer in sight.  And apparently Warner Discovery braintrust are more excited about this than the state of TCM.  The one downside for golf is that is skews, as a recently fired WD exec would frequently grunt, “old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old”.  Cage matches skew younger and more diverse.  Perfect for social video, right?

So if there’s an audience for a showdown like this, then perhaps we should consider some similar options for two more egomanical personalities whose mutual animosity was newsworthy enough to warrant this story earlier this week filed by THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS’ Brian Nemetz:

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene reportedly called her colleague Lauren Boebert a “little bitch” on the House floor Wednesday.

The performative lawmakers from Georgia and Colorado, respectively, were involved in what appeared to be a tense exchange when the Daily Beast said the harsh verbiage occurred. 

“I’ve donated to you, I’ve defended you,” Greene reportedly said. “But you’ve been nothing but a little bitch to me.”  Their conflict reportedly ended with Boebert telling Green they were “through,” with the Georgia lawmaker snapping back, “We were never together.”

As the noted political analyst Cosmo Kramer once droolingly observed, “yeye…catfight!!!!!'”

If two studly hunks like Elon and Zuck could be deemed worthy of the interest of the number one contact sports organization in the world, then why not just get these two elected officials to strip down to skivvies, oil up, and work out their differences in a mud pit?  Frankly, on a highly relative scale, they’re less repellant to look then they are to listen.   I’m sure Musk would be more than open for that to be on the undercard, perhaps making it available for free as a barker for his match, much as White structures his ESPN content that typically does quite well on their air.

Then again, given Greene’s documented history during her pre-congressional days when she was a trainer in the Atlanta suburbs, openly carrying on an affair with a tantric sex instructor, and the fact that both she and Boebert are, like any good Christian nationalist mommies should be, both currently between marriages, why not just go full monty and have them just do a porn video?

Greene could easily double for Stormy Daniels.

Boebert with a little makeup could channel Melania.

As for FOJ, I’m sure Otto Pilot would be happy for the work.  After all, it’s been a long time since Julie Hagerty gave him a turn.

Disgusted, are you?  Welcome to the club. But bear this in mind–these ladies are members of the U.S. Congress, and more than 393,000 American citizens voted them into office.  On many days of late, that’s more than reruns on TNT attract, and a lot more than who watch Twitter Spaces.

And that’s just in two states.  Across the rest of the country, nay, the damn world, there’s probably more than a few pervs and/or MAGA lovers that would watch.

Including, I suspect, Cosmo Kramer.  And, I’m not to ashamed to admit, me, and probably some of you, too.

G-d help us all.

Until next time…

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