As if #GLICKED wasn’t enough to momentarily revive the theatrical industry, along comes Disney with the first of its holiday contributions to kickstart it further. Today a much-anticipated sequel to MOANA debuts across America just in time to give those who aren’t stuck on kitchen prep a place to safely go hide and lose themselves in a world most can only dream about, COMING SOON.com’s Ritkia Singh was especially upbeat in her box office prognostication that dropped yesterday:
Moana 2 is reportedly expected to gross $225 million globally during its opening weekend.
The film is following a brilliant marketing campaign, targeting the U.S., Korea, France, and Italy on Wednesday. In the following days, Moana 2’s business will grow with a grand release in other countries. The animated venture has reportedly defeated Frozen II and The Super Mario Bros in pre-sales. Looking at the overseas opening, the film is expected to trend similarly to Finding Dory, Incredibles 2, and Despicable 4. Moana 2’s sequel value and Thanksgiving weekend are expected to provide to great push to the film at the ticket windows and drive the film toward the box office prediction of $225 million, as per Deadline.
Admittedly, Disney is absolutely masterful at tugging on emotional bonds and opportunistic timing to create demand for something that, at least according to reviewers, is probably more disposable than the crumbs from the bottom of the Durkee’s French Fried Onion cans so many will be dumping on top of green beans and cream of mushroom soup in the next few hours. The typically supportive CINEMABLEND’s Corey Chichizola was lukewarm with what he posted yesterday:
A number of years have passed between Moana and its sequel, allowing audiences to miss the title character, Maui and the rest of the group (although now fans can visit an attraction at Disney Parks). And while Moana 2 is a delightful and thrilling adventure made for the big screen, it’s not a perfect film. Although to be clear: Auli’i Cravalho is stunning from start to finish.
And this morning THE WASHINGTON POST’s Chris Klimek was much less kind:
The Disney musical sequel “Moana 2” is, like David Lynch’s surreal adult masterpiece “Mulholland Drive” before it, a repurposing of material originally intended for the small screen.
The target audience for “Moana 2” is not so well-versed in the history of remakes, of course. But their parents, older siblings or other chaperones may recognize the whiff of uninspired, ho-hum adequacy that permeates this amiable time-waster. It’s not just that “Moana 2” only fitfully recaptures the spark and novelty of its precursor. It’s that this sequel echoes so many other franchises that have in recent years been absorbed into the Disney monolith: “Avatar,” “Star Wars,” “Black Panther.”
Each of those so-called four-quadrant properties skews slightly older, and the extent to which “Moana 2” borrows from them both visually and thematically — yes, even when factoring in that all of these sagas are more or less extrapolated from the same monomythical source code — suggests it’s been engineered as a gateway drug into one or more of the other extended IP universes Disney controls. To quote the Rock’s immortal musical number from “Moana” … you’re welcome?
The songs aren’t the problem. Rather, it’s the muddled story, which takes way too long to give Moana — now a skilled wayfinder scouting new lands and new peoples to reconnect her long-isolated island tribe with the world — her mission. (Jared Bush, who wrote the screenplay for “Moana,” shares writing credit on the sequel with Dana Ledoux Miller, who co-directed with David Derrick Jr. and Jason Hand.) After a vision instructs Moana to seek out the hidden island of Motufetu, she recruits a crew: boatbuilder Loto (Rose Matafeo), overenthusiastic Maui fanboy Moni (Hualalai Chung) and grouchy old farmer Kele (David Fane). These new characters don’t get fleshed out as they might have in a series, but they’re good company. One of the coconut pirates from “Moana” joins up, too, and proves a capable warrior. Finally, Heihei, Moana’s dumb-even-by-poultry-standards pet chicken rooster, returns. It’s nice that Disney is once again paying the versatile comic actor Alan Tudyk to make bird noises.
Klimek hits my pet peeve with Disney’s philosophy with surgical precision. MOANA 2 is a de facto gateway to a much larger and grander brand expansion that preys on the appeal of Hawaii to much darker and colder climates. And having conquered Southern California and Florida with overpriced and mediocre theme parks and hotels, Disney eschewed the rides and attractions and staked their claim on Oahu with what they humbly reference as a “destination spa and resort”. It’s a larger and somewhat more exotic version of the twin hotels they dropped into the middle of Disney World, the Dolphin and Swan. I stayed there for a convention which Disney hosted and was stunned to find out that room service for breakfast at the time was more expensive than similar costs at the Plaza Hotel, and the top attraction on the menu was a slightly burnt waffle in the shape of Mickey’s ears. Which matched nicely with the mouse-eared soap cakes they provided for the shower, ears that upon the first contact with hot water quickly molted off and somehow got lodged in my eardrum.
If you indeed want to visit the world which Moana and Maui call home, this is what URBAN TASTEBUD.com’s Adam Bryan says it will set you back (at least as of last New Year’s Day):
Standard Room
- standard view = $574 per night
- island gardens view = $614 per night
- partial ocean view $659 per night
- poolside gardens view = $659 per night
- ocean view $774 per night
Lei Hulu Signature 1 Bedroom Suite
- partial ocean view = $3,064 per night
Wanna eat like them?
The Ka’Waa Luau, an enchanting journey through Hawaiian history with a splash of Disney, costs $189 for adults and $114 for kids (ages 3-9) for Preferred Seating, and $160 for adults and $94 for kids for General Seating.
These prices all include gratuities, but not tax.
And about that spa?
Massages at Laniwai Spa in Aulani start at $185 for 50 mins and can go upwards of $285 for an 80 min massage.
Currently there are 5 different massages to choose from including a couple’s massage, a teen massage, and a prenatal massage.
These prices do not include tax or gratuities.
But with every massage, you are allowed to use the spa facilities, relaxation areas, and special showers for as long as you want before or after your spa therapy.
Oh, goody. Maybe their soaps aren’t shaped the same way that mine was.
And one can do all that in the interim year between this and the live-action MOANA film due out in 2026, which will again feature the ubiquitous Johnson in his provocateur role, only this time in the flesh.
Look, I’m not a parent, and if I had a daughter who actually drew inspiration and courage from watching Moana I might be a bit less cynical. But the fact that a generation of daughters have been weaned by overworked soccer moms or detached parents to be babysat by an entire library of similarly themed plotlines revolving around girl power is something I personally find discouraging. There’s little we see in Moana that we haven’t already seen from Belle, Cinderella or Lilo. And, for my money, Stitch was a far more engaging sidekick than either Heihei or Pua.
So no, I won’t be joining the mass exodus to the multiplex this weekend, or for that matter, any time soon. Even if I tried, my card would be denied.
But fair warning to any of you who spark Island fever in those who do go. You’ll be far more likely to be pressured into something that could very well have you joining me in my boat. And that’s not one that even Moana could save.
Until next time…