The story that simply won’t go away reached a new level of staredown last night as America–well, at least approximately 76 per cent of it–celebrated the return of Jimmy Kimmel to the late night television “wars”. In a much-anticipated hour that was alternately emotional and snarky, Kimmel did not disappoint either his fans or his detractors. VANITY FAIR’s Erin Vanderhoof deemed it important enough culturally to weigh in with a breaking news report/review early this morning:
Eight days after he was unceremoniously yanked off the air, Jimmy Kimmel returned to ABC Tuesday night with a monologue that got right to the point. “I’m happy to be here tonight with all of you,” Kimmel began. “I’m not sure who had a weirder 48 hours—me or the CEO of Tylenol.”
Kimmel then thanked everyone who reached out to him in the week he was off the air, including fellow late night hosts Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, John Oliver, Conan O’Brien, and former ABC host James Corden. He also made a point of thanking “the people who don’t support my show and what I believe, but support my right to share those beliefs anyway”—folks like Ben Shapiro, Clay Travis, Candace Owens, Mitch McConnell, Rand Paul, and even Kimmel’s longtime antagonist Ted Cruz, all of whom publicly supported Kimmel’s right to free speech following his suspension.
Though Kimmel directly addressed Carr’s criticism—and poked fun at the federal employee’s total about-face regarding the importance of political satire—he also sounded a note of contrition about the comments that had led to his suspension in the first place. “It was never my intention to make light of the murder of a young man,” Kimmel said, his voice breaking. “I don’t think the murderer who shot Charlie Kirk represents anyone. This was a sick person who believed violence was a solution, and it isn’t, ever.”
At the end of his monologue, Kimmel also praised Erika Kirk for the comments she made at her husband’s livestreamed memorial on Sunday night. “I don’t know if you saw this—Erika Kirk forgave the man who shot her husband,” he said. “That is an example we should follow. If you believe in the teachings of Jesus, as I do, there it was. That’s it. A selfless act of grace, forgiveness from a grieving widow. It touched me deeply.”
Yet as fellow Penske-phile Angie Han noted, the tone that clearly has us a nation divided was quickly restored:
(O)f course, he had jokes. Lest anyone fear Trump had cowed him into silence, Kimmel snarked that the move had “backfired bigly” by drawing even more eyeballs to his show, cracking, “He might have to release the Epstein files to distract us from this now.” He showed clips of Trump’s rambling speeches against Tylenol (“Brought to you by Motrin,” Kimmel quipped) and at the UN, and generally made no secret of his ongoing distaste for the man.
But he saved the lion’s share of his mockery for FCC chairman Brendan Carr, comparing him to a mafioso — though “If you want to hear a mob boss make a threat like that, you have to hide a microphone in a deli and park outside in a van with a tape recorder all night long,” whereas “this genius said it on a podcast.” After the first commercial break, he doubled down on the comparison with a special appearance by Robert De Niro as the new head of the agency, making stereotypically mob-like threats.
Which probably didn’t play well with Perry S00k, who earlier in the day obediently added his current array of Nexstar ABC affiliates to those from his comrades in arms at Sinclair whose market values and ratings trajectories apparently don’t align with those of Disney and those heathens in Burbank. Except instead of a bellwether like Washington, D.C. their most significant footprint would appear to be pretty much the entire upstate New York corridor of Albany, Binghamton, Syracuse, Utica and Watertown. As POLITICO’s Faith Wardwell dolefully reported:
The company noted it would “monitor” the show as it returns to ABC, but said its stations would “focus on continuing to produce local news and other programming relevant to their respective markets.
To those of you whom I know either still reside or have family members in those markets who feel out of the loop, I empathize. I suspect you’re at least as upset as I was when I learned during my first weeks in college that neither version of PYRAMID–$20,000 or $25,000–was being carried in Syracuse. and unlike you I didn’t have the option of YouTube or Hulu for at least day-delay viewing.
(Side request: Knowing what I know about how hard it is to fill a half-hour of original news at 11 PM, can any of you share what “relevant” programming aired in Kimmel’s place? Sinclair at least has their National News Desk for shits and giggles; how’s about you?)
And once our farter-in-chief finally weighed in fresh from insulting the leadership of 192 other countries and bragging about the sales and accuracy of his hideous “Trump Was Right About Everything” cap he apparently wasn’t all that thrilled, either, as Vanderhoof further noted:
Exactly an hour before Kimmel returned to the air, Trump declared on TruthSocial that his vendetta against the late night host—and the network that employs Kimmel—would continue. “I can’t believe ABC Fake News gave Jimmy Kimmel his job back,” the president said. “Why would they want someone back who does so poorly, who’s not funny, and who puts the Network in jeopardy by playing 99% positive Democrat GARBAGE.”
So much as our friend Bob AIger might like to think that he’s put this issue to bed, or at least passed the buck enough to quell the unrest among creatives we mused about yesterday, it sure doesn’t look like the holy war is about to end any time soon. After all, there is a religious fervor that apparently underlies all of this that was on full display during the all-day Kirk memorial service. To many, these ARE the end times, and much as sheep and goat nations are being identified so too, apparently, are sheep and goat ABC affiliates.
If only there was a religion of equal value out there to fight fire with fire. Well, Bob, there actually is, and it might be high time for you to play that card.
Five years ago in the wake of COVID-depleted production and as a gesture to the rising HUT levels of homes deep into lockdown Disney gifted its ABC affiliates with the theretofore ESPN exclusive MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, filling a programming void in the process. Unsurprisingly, it worked out well, goosing the overall numbers by including cordless homes. With the advent of the ESPN app, even those homes no longer need an ABC station to see MNF–which is merely the most-watched content on those stations and has provided their Monday late news with exceptionally large lead-ins.
Unlike any other counterstrike that could be taken against these rogue affiliates that are already in technical violation of their affiliate agreements that would otherwise deny those markets’ viewers with the ability to watch ABC content day-and-date, anyone with an MVPD or Disney Plus subscription anywhere would be able to watch MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL in pattern, even in cities where Nexstar and Sinclair and anyone else contemplating joining the fray are doing their best to seize control of the airwaves. And sorry, kiddies, we all know damn well how resourceful and loyal football fans are. Do you seriously think the majority would give a flying fig about what you consider to be your civic and G-d-given duty to serve your constituents?
Were this strictly about ratings and revenue potential, at least someone from these stations would have at least tried to offer some plausible bullsh-t to that effect. If nothing else, point out that whatever ratings downside might exist from dropping Kimmel permanently (hint: at those current levels, there’s not far to fall before you hit a statistical floor) would be offset by reclaiming network ad inventory with what should be able to be sold at higher CPMs as “news” traditionally is. I know you COULD have done that; heck, I just did the job FOR you. But based upon the rhetoric your kiss-ass leadership chose to put out there, that ship has sailed.
This is indeed a holy war that your pathetically childish and boorish “Cyrus” has chosen to start, and based on your choice to allow yourself to be bullied into submission out of concern that your little deals to expand your empires might be sidetracked you’ve chosen sides. Disney did that once and has apparently now realized that, as John Oliver so eloquently noted on his own late night political comedy series, “when you hand the bully your lunch money he always comes back for more”.
Maybe it took Michael Eisner to remind you you still have a set of balls, Bobbo, but whatever he said apparently worked enough for you to for once stare down the bully. It’s clear he’s at least saying he wants to fight. But don’t waste your time and risk your own momentary gravitas in a pissing war with a literal skunk. Use the quiver in your bow that may actually matter to his stations enough for them to join you in saying, as Oliver added still more eloquently, “f-ck you, make me”.
Time to sack the sack of sh-t that’s determined to shake you down yet again.
No matter what you may see to the contrary in your local Home Depot (admit it, Bob, you still shop there on occasion, or at least your servants do), COVID times are over. Football numbers are way up. And G-d forbid you might get a few incremental subscriptions, at your newly raised rate card, if you indeed decided to program Monday nights with alternative entertainment programming again. No, DANCING WITH THE STARS nor the BACHELOR are going to do what football does. But they’re still on and both can easily be expanded with additional episodes rather quickly and inexpensively. And they actually skew relatively young. Like Jimmy Kimmel.
As someone who truths all night seems prone to say, do it!!!
Until next time…